Perfect to Pest

People treat me like I'm a pest, and they used to treat me like I'm perfect.

I've done nothing outlandish literally but with explanation.  I spent money my parents put in my account because they seemed to want me to spend it.  I kept going back to school after failing because I thought they thought I could do it next time.  (We only had to pay for 1 of 4 semesters, I think.)  I used store credit cards where they bill you after because I thought it'd be more convenient, but my parents aren't paying it.  The big thing, though, was I thought someone wanted me to call them the "n" word, and it's changed my life for now over 2 years.  People around me can sense the guilt and don't get that they wanted me to do it.

When I was younger what I did wrong was not write enough to my aunt, not write back to my cousin in Indonesia because I kept wondering about if we could get fancy paper like her though I've written her back now, and thinking bursting out saying "I'd rather go blind than wear glasses" would help a girl who just got glasses.

Another big thing as a preteen was I said, "Oh no," when my dad got home because I wasn't finished with my homework, which was too much, and I couldn't see him properly and wanted him to know why without telling that I said that because I know he could.  I wouldn't do that now, though.

I think I've apologized for most or all of these things.

I don't understand if there's an explanation that people think I can go from perfect to pest in one switch.  I have a pretty solid background of being a goody-good but not a "suck-up."  I wasn't exactly stuck-up, neither.

Oh, and my cousin from Indonesia has a pretty good upbringing, and I know she understands why I didn't write.  If you're interested, I didn't write until she started college and I was 25.  So, she's 18.  I've had a hard life of usually just doing homework and sometimes a lot of activities to keep me going.  It's also unbelievable.  I have a feeling my cousin didn't go through that.  I just thought of that and am not sure how it would connect.  We did send her some of my old clothes and probably exchanged pictures.  My mom's mom, who lives with her family, came to visit when I was starting high school, the summer before and into the year a little.

What happened was I was overloaded trying to be perfect.  I'm not saying most other people don't.  So, sometimes I made wrong decisions, decisions that were hard to make, more or less.  So, sometimes I leaked imperfection but at a level of perfection that it essentially didn't have an affect.

Something else questionable might be that I had a foreign exchange student from Germany, a blonde with bleached hair who turned out to be 3|4 French.  She was maybe a month younger.  I had just been called to the counselor's for looking stressed the year before.  I guess it seemed awkward I had a foreign exchange student.  I know my family is safe, but my mom is Chinese-Indonesian and my dad is part Native American, I think just a little.  I think that's the only reason it was awkward.  I was into music a lot, too, and, when I went to college, a professional German soccer player studying to be a surgeon told me music was close to him because of his country, as though it were closer to him than to me.  My foreign exchange student seemed different and was into soccer.  My friend's foreign exchange student from Germany the year before didn't seem into music and probably got a job with horses.  So, about being called to the counselor's, it just upset me, and when I said I might switch out of an Advanced Placement class into Honors like they suggested, which was hard on me, they just acted like it wasn't as good and I stayed and got bad grades in other classes because of this one.  So, I didn't really have any problems.  It was just the racial issue.

So, back to the topic, I was wondering why if at a high level of achievement I feel overloaded that I get treated like I'm a pest.  Each thing I did had a logical explanation.  Things are getting better, but really sometimes it's pretty hard and I don't exactly know why.  I think people like to gauge how I'm treated in chosing what they think about me.  I like to say things are okay, but it's never okay with everyone I run into it seems.  They just all read into my conscience.  It seems that the mistakes I made are being reiterated in my head over and over to the point I feel I'm not as good as I was before.  I know that lots of people are using the "n" word in bad ways and that there seems to be no special explanation for it.  They probably have people who are more tolerable to it, though.  Remember, I didn't want to use it, I think.  It wouldn't make sense.  Sure, it can be fun to curse, but I'd not been doing it and have had these thoughts for awhile for some reason.  I was having the thoughts that people wanted me to use the word, including the person I used it against.  I didn't say, though, such-and-such is the "n" word nor actually "you 'n' word."  People seem to not accept that and also actually seem embarrassed for what they tried to send as vibes toward me in what they say as I pass by etc.  I don't think anyone leaves me alone, unless I'm at the store and really not paying attention.

So, basically, I'm wondering if I've been pretty good at being good, that when I do something wrong because of how hard it's getting to know what the right thing is with people acting like bad things are better and good things are stuck up really, why it's so punishable just to me with my intentions not being bad.  They act like my being good before and now being reiterated that I'm bad is that, even though my upbringing is not so bad, that I'm bad for thinking I'm good because my mom is Chinese-Indonesian and my dad is part Native American.  I don't like people wishing bad things on me because of my race.  It's been this way since before I did things that affected me later, like what I mentioned.

So, it's like, I'm pretty good, but I leak some mistakes and get treated like I'm so bad.  These people themselves don't seem to be as antsy as me, neither.  Like, they are more of a casual type in a way.  They are judging my values in not being casual, though, as though I am too casual when I'm not.  Sometimes, it just gets hard.

It does hurt me to think that people I know dislike me.  I have a big problem with encountering people in public.  I don't know which is worse, but there are more people in public.