I feel so bad.

Even after I thought a couple wanted me to call their 2-year-old daughter the "n" word, life could have been more together.  I think I've pulled through.  I feel like I've been pushed to think or feel some bad things.  I don't know where I went wrong.  I just reground myself.  I feel so worn from visiting those doctors last week, having to wake up every day to do something 6 days in a row, when I'm recovering on a sabbatical and have found some grounding in how I function online.  I know it's been 5 years, but still.  It seems like it's been longer.